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Saying "No"

Are you stuck in "yes" mode? Discover the bliss of "No"

"No" is the most empowering word in the English language. Most of us could say “no” very easily when we were two but as we grew, a lot of us discovered that we were “not expected” to say no to authority figures. The word “no” dropped out of our vocabulary and we became people pleasers, believing that saying “no” could cost us a lot in our adult life. 

Does this type of conversation sound familiar….
“I’d like you to take over the account books for the kids’ swim club.”  
“Oh, sure, no problem.” - or -
“I’d like you to become VP of Membership for the club.” 
“Ok, I can handle that.”

Then, right after you agree, your mental conversation is … “Oh, no, what have I got myself into this time?  I don’t have time for that.” If that sounds familiar, you're not alone.

I did that a lot but, recently, I rediscovered the wonderful world of “no” and I encourage you to explore this world.  Saying “no” isn’t selfish, it’s self-protective. And you don’t have to be a jerk about it.  You don’t have to be difficult, abrupt or aggressive.  You can be polite but firm. “I’m sorry, but I can’t do that right now.” “I’m sorry, but that doesn’t fit into my schedule.”

Until recently, my commitments and deadlines were piling up faster than the bodies in a horror movie until I learned to invoke that one little word, “no”.   Saying “no” to more requests is one of the biggest favors I’ve done for myself.  It’s not only given me time for what’s important to me but it has really helped to reduce my stress.  Have I stopped volunteering?  No, of course not, but now I’m selective in what I can help with.  With my current schedule I’m more likely to say “yes” to a short-term commitment like baking cookies for the school fund raiser, rather than a long-term commitment like heading up the fundraising committee for the school for the next year.

Here are some of the parameters I use now to decide if I can take on another task. The answer will be no if:

• I’m already overloaded and have no time
• There’s a deadline and I have more pressing priorities
• I’m exhausted or stressed out
• It’s neither my job nor my area of responsibility
• I’m not knowledgeable in that area and I know there is someone else who can do it better

If it's a project that I feel strongly about and want to be involved in, but I feel that I don’t have enough time to make a full commitment, I might come back with:  “I can’t do that right now but I can do …. “   This way I’m still involved, I have a lesser commitment and I have more control over my time.

Tips on Saying "No"

• Be polite, but firm (not defensive or too apologetic).  Just say something like “I’m sorry, but I can’t do that right now” or “I wish I could help, but I’m on a tight deadline”. A firm, but sympathetic, tone lets them know that you’re sympathetic to their request but that you won’t easily change your mind.  A reasonable person will accept this but if you keep getting pressured, just repeat it and change the subject or, if necessary, walk away
• If you’re dealing with a pushy person or are just uncomfortable being so firm, tell the person you’ll get back to them.  “Let me think about it and I’ll get back to you” or “Let me check my schedule and I’ll let you know”.  This allows you time to actually check your schedule and helps you avoid being pressured into overscheduling and getting stressed.

Remember, saying “no” isn't a bad thing; it’s actually an important life skill.  It’s a way to protect yourself from stress and overload in this fast-paced world.  After all, there are only so many hours in the day.  Each commitment you make reduces the time you have to do other things, including relax and rejuvenate. 

Health Tip - "Getting Fit. . . One Step at a Time" To create a positive outlook and lower stress levels, forgive yourself and others who may have wronged you. Grudges do not benefit anyone.